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Two months.
I never intended to stay away so long.
But, it’s been a rough time this summer and I didn’t want to post unless it could be something positive. There’s enough sadness and struggle in the world. I don’t need to add my own to it.
But since today is the 6th Anniversary of my stepping into the world of blogging1 , I thought I should at least put something up.
Many of you have sent e-mails asking about our little family: Granny, The Attorney, and me.
The Attorney and I are doing well, although we don’t see as much of each other these days.
And I am surviving.
I would like to be able to say that Granny is doing well and surviving, too. But the reality is that is not the case.
Her health has taken a serious downturn over the summer. She is still alive. But surviving? I’m not so sure.
What’s most troubling, beyond the crippling arthritis, recurring infection in her leg, and the occasional incontinence, is the decline in her mental state. Moments of dementia have been happening for a few years now. But lately those moments have become constants. And the confusion and paranoia that come along with them have created a creature that rides a wave of emotions that race through a series of corkscrews, free falls, and loop the loops.
I’m riding shot gun with an all-access pass.
And I’ve never been much for roller coasters. Real ones or metaphors.
It’s startling and sobering to see how a switch somewhere in the brain can change, in few weeks, the person it took you 93 years to become.
Consequently, I am rarely out of the house anymore. So, I am the constant companion to someone who sometimes doesn’t realize who I am.
Not being able to go to a job everyday2 and not being able to see The Attorney at least once a week3, had started to take a toll on me.
Until a dog named JoAnn.
A friend and his wife went on vacation a couple of weeks ago. At the last minute they lost their dog sitter and asked me to take care of her. My gut reaction was that I couldn’t handle a dog and an old woman both looking to me when they need to eat or shit, so I was inclined to say no.
I’ve wanted a dog of my own for years but always told myself that I would have to wait until I didn’t have Granny to worry about. But, I felt sorry for my friends and I want to help out anyone I can. So, I figured I could deal with it for a week and a half.
Plus, with Granny always cranky and The Attorney always an hour and half away, it would be nice to get some much needed affection from somewhere.
Naturally, the dog couldn’t care less about me.
But, she loves my Granny, this dog name JoAnn. 4
Because she is still young and playful, I was really concerned that the dog would jump on Granny or just be too physical in general. But instead, she calmly lays her head in Granny’s lap to be petted.
Her head won’t reach Granny’s lap if she sits.
And so she stands.
For hours.
And Granny pets her.
For hours.
Instinctively, she’s made it her job to look after Granny.
She sleeps outside Granny’s bedroom door at night and when she hears Granny stirring to get out of bed in the morning, she comes to me. She stares at me until I follow her and then she does this herding thing where she leads me then circles me again and again until we reach Granny’s door.
The dog is calm. And Granny is calm.
So much so, I’ve asked my friends to let me keep her for a while.
They agreed it’s probably good for Granny.
And I think JoAnn agrees. Last night while she was standing at Granny’s chair, offering a fuzzy head to pet, she turned her eyes over to me and let out a big sigh.
I thought, “I know, JoAnn. I know. Just keep standing.”
And so she does.
As do I.
Thanks to a dog named JoAnn.
{ fin }
- with my old blog [↩]
- But my boss was kind enough offer me some administrative and sales work that I can do from home. [↩]
- Granny doesn’t want anyone to see her. [↩]
- Silly name. My friends let their three year old niece name the dog. [↩]
That dog was sent to you to help you deal with Granny. I can’t say enough about dogs, really. Or you, for that matter, taking on being the care giver for your grandmother. Dementia is a horrible thing. [When my father went through it I couldn't even visit him at the institution we had to put him into (he was too strong for anyone to handle and had become violent) because I didn't want to remember him that way. It just hurt too much. Later on when he stopped remember who people were, his step daughter Susie walked in, and he said "That's not my Susie!" Hearing that broke my heart but I never went to see him before he died.]
Dementia is horrible thing. You lose the person bit by bit. But the dog is a god send. There, I’ve said it. Even though I don’t believe in god, she really is. You are such a good grandson to care for your Granny this way.
You are on a painful and lonely road, Tony. Just remember that before you can take care of anyone, you have to take care of yourself. You are all in my thoughts.
You have been and will continue to be in my thougths and prayers. You have definitely been given a difficult responsibility but I believe you can handle it. I will continue to check in, I wish there was more I could do.
Take care and remember you are loved.
Love you Tony.
You have so much to take care of, don’t forget about you. We’ll all be here waiting for your return and sending positive thoughts.
It’s great you’re taking care of Granny and it’s wonderful JoAnne does her thing too, but don’t forget about yourself.
Thank God for small favors like JoAnne. Thoughts are with you, Tony.
Great piece.
I truly believe animals and people get each other instintively on multiple levels and they connect in those certain ways we can’t truly understand with our own cognitive aiblities.
And it’s all karma. You helped your friends, you helped granny, the dog helps granny the dog helps you. It is all very cyclical.
I am sorry about Granny’s state. I think it’s been a rough summer for many when it comes to family and illness. I’m not apt to look back on the Summer of 2010 fondly.
But hopefully you can a little bit with the though of JoAnn.
JoAnn indeed cares about you more than you can realize. Enjoy her time with Granny and you. She is there for a reason…..
Hey! I missed you. Please don’t stay away so long. Your blogs make me laugh and keep me sane.
Hi Tony,
Thanks for sharing. I had looked after my Great Aunt in the latter stages of her life and similiar to Granny, whe battled with Diabetes which meant infection after infection in her feet. She eventually lost both legs at different times and as the pain medication had to be increased, her mental faculty decreased. But I knew she was always still with me. It would be a certain way she would look at me or the way she would smile very now and again. Which was rare, but it happened from time to time.
I beleive we choose our life paths and for some reason, in your last life, you chose to be your Grannys’ caretaker. You might not agree with me nor does it sound understandable to most people that they would choose to do some of the things we go through, but I beleive it to be true.
For the longest time I denied the fact that I was gay and tried so hard to live a straight life. The self discovery path was quite long and hurtful, but I was lucky. I was lucky to find a spiritual friend that give me some books on self awareness and self healing. I disconvered that I chose to come into this life as a gay man and if I didn’t discover all there was to being the person I can be, then I was destined to live it all over again in my next life. The thought of having to live the self discovery all over again was enough for me to start to accept who I am. While I am not 100% there yet, I am confident I am on the right path.
In regards to Joann, I have seen how amazing dogs can be. I have a niece that is mildly austic and she has no fear of any animal at all. They live in the country and many of my relatives have animals. dogs, cats, goats, etc. I have one Uncle that has a golden lab that is still a pu; only a year old. Soiled rotten and very rambunctious. But when he is around Katie, he calms right down and lets her pet him, lick him and even squeeze a bit too hard sometimes. He doesn’t act his way with anyone else except her. Even my Uncle’s cats walk right up to her and rub against her legs and they won’t come hear any other human. I don’t know if it is their intuitiveness or the energy she gives off. But it is quite interesting to watch.
But I am rambling.
Please know that my thoughts and wishes are with you, Gran and the Attorney as you continue on your journey. My heart aches for you, but I know this journey is one that is serving a purpose. We might not know why or have the answers right now, but it helps to know that is is happening for a greater reason.
Sending you light and love. I think of you and wish the best for you.
I have been following you – your blog for 3 years now and I was very moved reading your story about granny and Joann. Dogs no when someone needs them and they know when someone is sick. Keep the faith. and read this I think you will find it a interesting read. Note. this story does not refer to Granny’s condition but what animals can feel regarding people who are sick.
a geriatrician and assistant professor at Brown University, said that five years of records showed Oscar rarely erring, sometimes proving medical staff at the New England nursing home wrong in their predictions over which patients were close to death.
The cat, now five and generally unsociable, was adopted as a kitten at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island, which specialises in caring for people with severe dementia.
The tortoiseshell and white cat spends its days pacing from room to room, rarely spending any time with patients except those with just hours to live.
If kept outside the room of a dying patient, Oscar will scratch on the door trying to get in.
When nurses once placed the cat on the bed of a patient they thought close to death, Oscar “charged out” and went to sit beside someone in another room. The cat’s judgement was better than that of the nurses: the second patient died that evening, while the first lived for two more days.
Dr Dosa and other staff are so confident in Oscar’s accuracy that they will alert family members when the cat jumps on to a bed and stretches out beside its occupant.
“It’s not like he dawdles. He’ll slip out for two minutes, grab some kibble and then he’s back at the patient’s side. It’s like he’s literally on a vigil,” Dr Dosa wrote.
Dr Dosa noted that the nursing home keeps five other cats, but none of the others have ever displayed a similar ability.
In his book, “Making rounds with Oscar: the extraordinary gift of an ordinary cat”, Dr Dosa offers no solid scientific explanation for Oscar’s behaviour.
He suggests Oscar is able – like dogs, which can reportedly smell cancer – to detect ketones, the distinctly-odoured biochemicals given off by dying cells.
Far from recoiling from Oscar’s presence, now they know its significance, relatives and friends of patients have been comforted and sometimes praised the cat in newspaper death notices and eulogies, said Dr Dosa.
“People were actually taking great comfort in this idea, that this animal was there and might be there when their loved ones eventually pass. He was there when they couldn’t be,” he said.
Love ya Tony a faithful reader
John
When my mom went home for the last time, I ran home grabbed some clothes and my 2 dogs. I got to her house as fast as I could to be with her in her last days. My then 13 y/o pug stayed by her side constantly. She knew she couldn’t get in her lap anymore because it was so painful for my mom. So she stayed on the floor by her feet. Mom was cold all the time the last few days, and Tammy knew when to lie on her feet to keep them warm and when to just be there with her. She would stand for hours at the door to mom’s room and when she tried to get out of bed, Tammy came and got me. When Mom did feel like getting up, she had to use a walker because she was so weak. Tammy would get in front of her and walk at a snail’s pace, as if to say you are only going to go as fast as I let you. We all were amazed by how she stayed by mom’s side until the end. We called her Nurse Tammy, because she took such good care of her “granny”. Take care of yourself Tony, if you get exhausted your no good to Granny or Joann.
Thinking about you… like someone said above…make sure you take care of yourself too…
…you so have my thoughts and prayers, holding all possible best for you and yours and please give JoAnn a kiss for me, thanks so much for your wonderful tales of life… xo, craiglaurence.
it’s amazing how the animals around us know what is needed at the time. We all forget how short of time we have with our loved ones. Treasure the times you have been able to share with them. And don’t forget to tell the remarkable stories about them to honor and remember them.
Hey Tony,
My Thoughts are with you. I know what you are going through and if you need anything do not hesitate to ask! Stay Strong big man!
Jim
Tony, You, Granny, JoAnn, and the Attorney are in my thoughts and prayers. And please don’t think your adding to the sadness of the world by sharing this. It’s important to do this, and please do take care of yourself. We all love you man.
Tony – Your story hits home in so many ways. I took care of my mother for 17 years as she took care of me. I prided myself if giving her everything she wanted in both life and in death. She had the best of both. She passed at 92, three years ago this coming January. I think of her every day.
During her last days, she made the decision to be in hospice, she told me she was ready. She said, “Marc, you know I was good up until I was ninety, then I just fell apart!”
During her last hours, I kept putting lipstick on her as she never went anywhere without being made up and dressed properly and she certainly would not be going to heaven in any other way. I kept saying, “Ma you are not going to heaven without your lipstick on.” I still smile to this day.
The day after the funeral the Rabbi called me to see how I was doing. I told her there was a certain lightness of being. She said, it is those that have no regret, no remorse and have said what was needed to be said in life that can accept death with dignity and a full heart.
That young man, you know your heart if full and your granny loves you from the depths of her. Be well. Look forward.
The best to you, the attorney and god speed, granny.
Dear Tony—-I’m joining in the love, prayers and good wishes wonderfully expressed by your other blog friends.
Thank you for sharing this difficult update about Granny and your life—-you know that we worry about you and Granny, and the Attorney, especially when you haven’t posted for awhile. I am so very sorry to hear about Granny’s decline, and all that you are going thru at this time. You are such a fine testament to the true meaning of “family commitment”.
And, as always, your stories are genuine treasures. You have such a gift for conveying powerful images and emotions in a few beautifully selected words. I hope you appreciate how truly talented you are.
wishing you peace, irisgirl
Tony,
These moments always remind us how precious life and loved ones are. I, as will we all, be keeping you, Granny and the Attorney in our thoughts and prayers. Keep standing!!!
Mystik
Good to finally hear something out of you. All I can say is, as I read, my heart felt a pain for you. Good strong thoughts are being sent your way.
As the time went on and I kept looking for your post, I was afraid for you that this could be why you were away.
I have nothing but good thoughts for you and your loved one’s. As the others have said take care of you and smile for all the good memories you have at this time.
Tony,
Words can not suffice. Take care of the caregiver. You know how to contact me if you need me.
Tony,
Others posting before me have expressed my sentiments very eloquently.
I hope you find peace on this journey. There is no reason you shouldn’t.
We are all thinking of you.
Peace,
Dave
My thoughts are with you as you go through this.
It’s good that you’re posting again. That said, this story really got me.
I love dogs, and cats! But dogs, they seem particularly attuned to humans.
I am truly so sorry that you are having to go through this deep sadness of watching your Granny fade away as we all must, but so glad you have JoAnn to help her and you too. And I know that feeling of not having enough affection often enough. Being an elder, I can truly empathize with you. I have dreamed often what it would be like to have someone to truly care about me once again in my life. Sometimes I think I would give anything just to have someone hold me and kiss me and really be there for me as I would love to be there for someone else. We all need love and kindness, and I think we need a lot of it in our lives, especially in these challenging times.
My own mom and dad both died with dementia as one of the things that I am sure eventually killed them, so I can truly appreciate the things you are going through right now. I have often questioned why we go through all the life trials we go through, but today I realize that we go through them so that we can be the ones that others can turn to when they are having difficult times. Because of what we go through, we are able to have true compassion and understanding for those who are suffering – something I don’t think we would have if we were not touched by these challenges in our lives.
How wonderful that JoAnn senses what all of us human beings need most of all and is there to give it freely and without requiring anything except her basic necessities in return.
May goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life, and may your days be full of love, if not up close and personal, from afar as with all these wonderful comments people are making to you. And may JoAnn’s days also be filled with love and goodness and joy. Peace and many blessings, Annie
Tony,
I’ve been a reader for several years & have so enjoyed your writing. I can relate to what your going through with Granny as I was fortunate enough to take care of my Mother for quite some time before she passed. It’s a hard, sad lonely road but all part of out Life Path. You are such a good giving person that you will be rewarded. And yes, JoAnn is a godsend for you – dogs instictivley know if someone is not well, just like they sense the stress of those around them; she is not only helping Granny, she’s helping you in her way.
My thoughts & prayers are with you, you will get through this.
Take care.
John
Sorry it has taken me so long to hear about JoAnn, but I had to leave ABQ and go to MO to be with family. And I am glad I was able to help as I’m sure you are also. As I said, if the Attorney is even nearly as kind and understanding as you have told us he is — I’m thinking of Sedaris signing your book and his giving Granny a ride in his car, and umpteen other examples — things will be more tolerable soon. Be strong. Stay kind. Thanks.
Empathy is so strong after reading this, that I don’t think I can find all the words to express how deep my sentiment is. I’m speechless and sit here reflecting in silence.
You’re a phenomenally special guy.
Sigh…dementia is very hard to deal with…
Do you have anyone that can stay with Granny for a couple hours while you just sit outside…or go shopping or get a massage or something?
It’s really hard being primary caregiver — it’s important to take care of yourself.
Very sweet. Things like this happpen for a reaosn, and you have something to hang onto now. I wish I could say something that would make me a difference, but I don’t think I can. Thank you for keeping us updated. Huge hugs to you…all.
and we are standing with you.
So glad JoAnn has come into your life. Dogs can be such great companions and are wonderful for the elderly.
A dog always knows. Even a dumb dog knows. Even a mean dog knows. Joann certainly knows and she is caring for both of you because you care for her. She knows that instinctively too. You took her in and gave her a warm place and and a soft hand. We call that soul mates. That is what dogs are.
Enjoy her company, her companionship and marvel at her ability to be available to you in your time of need and your granny’s. She is your very present angel and when her work is done, you will know just as she knows.
And when this particular journey is no more, find your nearest shelter and open your heart to your own angel and let her rest her head in your lap. He or she will know and understand your pain and your joy and be certain to put a smile back on your lovely face.
Be well, be strong, be available and know you are loved if only because of your words but especially because of your deeds. Your attorney is a very lucky man and if he is not careful, a little furry creature may find his way into the bed between you and yours. And then that little furry creature is going to deliver a fart that peels paint to scold the attorney for not being as present as possible during this challenging bend in the river of life. And in that moment, you will know who he loves best. And granny will giggle from heaven.
Tony you brougt tears to my eyes. First for your family, especially Granny, but also for you with the hard task of being a full time care giver and watching the Granny you knew disappear with the Attorney not always available physically. Second my eyes welled up when JoAnn came in your life to give you the help and affection you so badly need. And I thought this ‘gift’ came about all because you are such a kind person and couldn’t refuse to take another burden on, no matter if it was temporarily. Acting from love can turn some burdens into gifts as you have proven. I wish you the best with Granny, the Attorney and JoAnn.
My father has had dementia for about five years and well it has been a challenge for all of the family (I live about 2 hours away) yet everyone seems up to the challenge.
It is interesting talking with him and having his ask about his mother and how she is doing (she died 25 years ago) but I just explained that she had passed away 25 years ago and he said, “you’re kidding” and I said no that she had passed away.
When my grandmother was alive I had given her a little dog and man she loved that dog and I believe the dog was a lot of companionship for her and it looks like you know what I am talking about. Eventually we had to give the dog away because we were afraid she would trip over her.
I hope you have someone who can help you out because it can be a lot of work after awhile and it is very hard on the primary caregiver so take care of yourself.
Anyway I certainly wish you the best!
Take care,
Chris
Tony – you’ve always had a knack for bringing me to tears with many of your posts these past 6 years and you’ve done it once again. I am both a dog lover and a Mammaw’s (another southern term for Granny) boy so this post really got to me. You and Granny are so blessed to have shared your lives with each other and you are an amazing man for all you do for her. Thank goodness for both of you that JoAnn came along when she did – I have a feeling it was the right time. God Bless you all (and the Attorney too) and my thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you all.
I’ve always enjoyed visiting your blog for these past few years. And have missed you this past while. I was pleased to see you post again today but was worried because you’ve been away and you wouldn’t be a way unless you had to be.
This post made me well up and I can only wish you and Granny and the Attorney my best wishes…
This is a beautiful post, Tony. I love, JoAnn, and Granny, and you.
Such a beautiful story. Your grandmother is a lucky lady to have such a wonderful person as you in her life.
I can relate to a lot of your story….I lost my mother in 2005 and my dad in May 2010. Hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my 38 years of life.
So many emotions running wild.
I am praying for you and your family. You are very special person for taking such great care of your grandmother. You will be richly blessed for that.
I hope you are taking care of yourself through all of this. Remember you are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself.
I cannot believe I missed this post…but I did. I’m amazed at the deep connection between animals and we human beings. I have no idea what today, nor tomorrow, will bring but I am assured that you are a good man, with a huge heart, and that someday I’d like to say hi to you in person. All of my deepest love for the job you’re doing.
I’m a reader of your blog for many years now. Your words and your insights continue to touch us all who read them. Best wishes for you, your Granny and the Attorney.
My best memory of the final days of my mom was a short visit I made (she lived over 500 miles away) a few weeks before she died. I had a friend along and my dog. He’s very friendly and likes to give kisses. My mom really didn’t like dogs licking her, in fact she was a bit shy of dogs in general supposedly from some encounter years before. As we were saying our goodbyes for the trip. She called him and he sat backwards between her legs. I don’t know what she intended to do but she bent over and of course he raised his head and kissed her. She looked up and smiled and sort of giggled. About 3 weeks later she was found unconscious and taken to the hospital, I drove out the next day and she was gone the day after that without regaining consciousness.
Please come back. We can never again be the (#whatever)that’s about your page on the muscle guys, but there are old guys out here who need to know there is a Tony in TN who feels. And he writes.
At two in the morning, he(me) says to the dogs on his lap__”lets’s go to Mayberry and hope there’s more.” We do hope you are not hurting.
Sedaris is coming to ABQ pretty soon, and I know no one will give ME (I know it sounds like shouting) a signed copy of the new book. See what I mean? “Mr A” is special. Treasure what you have while you have it. Nothing gold can stay, tust spake Robert Frost. Do well.