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Month: January 2011

Without A Hitch

When we ordered the Red Velvet Cake for dessert, the waiter asked if we wanted two forks.

I don’t know if he had pegged us a couple, or he was asking because the slices were big.   But, couple or not, I’m get my own piece of cake.

It was New Year’s Eve. I was back in my monkey suit,  having the do-over of the Christmas Eve dinner date with The Attorney. Other than the fact that the only reservation he could get was early in the evening1, which put us there with the blue-haired crowd2, the second time around pretty much went without a hitch.

No hitch in the plans.  No plans to get hitched.

Like I told Granny, I knew The Attorney had nothing more in mind than dinner.  Even if the restaurant didn’t have a reputation as a place for momentous events, I knew that, for us, having dinner there before they closed for good was, itself, the momentous event.

That’s because The Attorney and I are not hitching type.

This is not to say that we haven’t had discussions about where things for us go when the inevitable time comes that Granny goes.

We have.

But marriage has never come up.

Not in the formal sense.

There’s the idea of commitment.  Of taking care of each other.  Loving each other. Honoring each other.3  But, we’re not the type to stand on ceremony.

At the most, our future will probably be sealed with  a simple “gentleman’s agreement.”4

But what’s more likely to happen is that one day we’ll look at each other across the table at some other restaurant and realize that we’re stuck with each other.  Then we’ll just dig into the Red Velvet cake and move on.

Without a hitch.

And if there’s only one slice?

Then I guess we’ll have two forks.

{ fin }

  1. 5:30 PM []
  2. of course, I reminded The Attorney that he is five years away from his AARP card. []
  3. In fact, I think we pretty much have that already. []
  4. And a kiss. []


2010 wasn’t exactly the best year of my life.

It brought me a lot of challenges.

You all can probably guess that from my posts, or lack of, over the last year. Particularly the last six months.

This particular blog became two years old on January 11 but I don’t have that much, in the way of posts, to show for it.  If it actually gets published, this post will be only the 82nd one two years time.

In fact, looking back, both of those years delivered some challenges that put my focus in places other than the blog.

Not saying that’s a bad thing.  Or a good thing.  Just something that had to happen.

But now that I have solved many of those challenges2, I’m going to challenge myself to get my writing back in shape.

Writing was a love I rediscovered about six years ago, after having put it in the closet and letting it lie dormant.  Just when I felt like I was capable of doing some “real” writing3, life took a turn, and I started letting that love slip away again.

I have seen on a couple of other blogs that writers are taken on a “30 Day Blog Challenge,”  where they write each day on a topic from a list.  I figured this is a way to jump start writing again, even if it isn’t very interesting or good.

So, I looked around and found three or four different challenge lists.  I couldn’t decide which to use, so I just combined them.  They all shared many of the same topics, so I eliminated duplicates and ended up with a list of 64.

So my challenge is twice as big, plus a little extra.4

I’m going to bend the rules a little and say that if something comes up that I want to put down on paper5 I will write about it rather than one of the challenge topic, and just use the challenge for the days I need to make sure I get something out.

I’m starting tomorrow.  If I keep up with it, 64 posts should get me at least into March.

{ fin }

  1. already half the life of my old blog. []
  2. or at least gotten control of them []
  3. something publishable []
  4. That’s why they call me LargeTony. []
  5. or LCD []

30+ Day Challenge, day one

Day 1: Introduce yourself with a picture and 15 facts.

Hey, ya’ll.  This is Tony.

But you all know that already. You also can see a picture of me to your left that you can’t scroll away from, if you tried.  Not because it’s so captivating.  It’s just the way the side bar works in this WordPress theme.

A lot of you have already seen tons of pictures of me1 all over my old blog2 and old web site3.

So, I figured I’d post a picture of me in a way that you are not likely to see very often.

In a suit.

Several of you said you’d like to see me dressed for my New Year’s Eve.  So, before meeting The Attorney for our dinner date, my friend RJ and I went to downtown Knoxville for a few shots.  I put one picture in the “Without A Hitch” post.  But I didn’t point out what the link was.  But to see today’s picture, CLICK HERE.

And 15 facts?

If you’ve been reading very long, you already know way more than 15 facts about me.  So here’s 15 facts about this picture.

  1. It’s hard to tell from the picture but the suit fabric is what they call Glen Plaid.
  2. I’m leaning on a flag pole outside the Knox County Courthouse, with the gates of Federal Courthouse behind me.
  3. It was one of the warmest days we have had in weeks.  It was in the 60’s on New Year’s Eve.  About a week earlier, we got the first white Christmas in East Tennessee since they started keeping records in the 1840’s.
  4. My pants got wrinkled after falling off the hanger and laying in a ball on the floor of my truck on the drive down to Knoxville.  I didn’t realize until it was too late.
  5. At the rate it’s going, it looks like my beard will probably be fully gray by this time next year.
  6. I am wearing nine different articles of clothing.  I’d just as soon as wear none.
  7. Three of those articles were given to me.
  8. The Attorney says that I need to get a dress belt.  He’s right.
  9. We were being circled by skateboarders while taking the picture.  They would not pause, so RJ shot between them.
  10. This was taken a spot The Attorney passes by almost daily during work.
  11. I had to pee very badly.  Nothing but office buildings for a few blocks either direction.  I held it until I got to the restaurant.
  12. The Attorney said I did a good job with my tie4, but also that the dimple was not quite right.
  13. I hate smiling in pictures because I have really large teeth and a bit of an overbite.
  14. This is one of the few pictures of myself I really like.
  15. I think I’m going to frame a 5 x7 for The Attorney.

First challenge down.

{ fin }

  1. a few years younger, but no less big-eared []
  2. closed in 2008 []
  3. not updated since 2007 []
  4. RJ tied it []

30+ Day Challenge, part two

Day Two: The meaning behind your blog name.

“West of Mayberry.”

It all  has to do with where and how I live in Tennessee.

If you know anything about the old “Andy Griffith Show” from the 60’s, you know it was set in the fictional town of Mayberry.  The fictional town was based on Griffith real home town of Mt. Airy, North Carolina.  Now, Mt. Airy is really closer to Virginia than to Tennessee1, but I always imagined that Mayberry was just on the other side of the Smokies from us.

So, I’m living West of Mayberry.

My town is about Mayberry-sized, and a lot of us here live a simple quiet Mayberry-like life, although that seems to diminish more and more as “progress”2 come to the region.

A friend of mine once joked to me, “If this is Mayberry, does that make you Andy?”

Nope.  If anything, I guess I’m a grown up Opie taking care of a rapidly aging Aunt Bea (Granny), while trying to find some balance in a relationship with Howard Sprague (The Attorney)3.

Only it’s going happening on the Tennessee side of the Smokies.

West of Mayberry.

My name of my old blog, LargeTony is much easier to explain.  In short, it’s a nickname I picked up several years back.  And if you have even the slightest dirty mind, you know why.  You can read the long version here.

{ fin }

  1. and the Smoky Mountains []
  2. read: traffic, fast food, and bix box chain stores []
  3. There was not a town lawyer featured on the show that I know.  But, Sprague was the County Clerk, so therefore a prominent citizen.  But, The Attorney is way hotter. []

Front Loaders

Somehow I am on a list to receive promotional e-mails from an underwear company called Andrew Christian.  I don’t know why.

Judging by the request in the e-mails to mention their products, they must have me confused with being one of the A-List gay bloggers like Kennethinthe212 or Joe.My.God or Towleroad.  Folks with a ton of traffic.

I’m also, inexplicably, on the e-mail list for a party promoter in New York City and Fire Island.

Having never been out of Tennessee, except on two very brief trips as a child1, and not sure I have ever seen Andrew Christian underwear, other than the photos in the e-mails, I’m not in a position to endorse parties nor panties on this blog.

Except for AussieBum.  I received a pair as a gift recently, and I love them.  Besides being really comfortable, they pretty much put everything you got up front.  This a totally unsolicited opinion, but if good people of AussieBum are reading, I am open to samples!

Last week I got and e-mail about Andrew Christian’s new  “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear.”

It seems that, unlike the Aussiebums that put what you got on display, the “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear” puts on display something you haven’t got…a fake pecker.

The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief features a soft hidden cup that not only adds inches onto your frontal measurement but also is sculpted with a penis shape to give you an anatomically correct look no matter how cold it is outside.

That’s a quote from the e-mail.

Sculpted with a penis shape?2

I don’t get it.

I get that some guys want to enhance their package and look bigger.  But apparently that is only part of the function of this particular underwear.  What is this about the “penis shape to give you an anatomically correct look?  Doesn’t anybody with a pecker already look anatomically correct?  No matter what size.

They use the word “flirt” as part of the name of the underwear.  So, obviously it is designed to use as an attention grabber.  Now, I can’t fault anybody for flirting with their cock.  For some of us, it’s what we have to do.

Say the flirt does work?  When time comes to get busy, the charming guy still has to charm, the funny guy still has to make you laugh, the rich guys still has to have bank, and the packing guy still has to deliver meat.  What are you going to do?  Flirt your way out of it?

I don’t think the people at the Andrew Christian test kitchens have really thought this through.

Besides the obvious difficulty of explaining to a hook-up why the part of you they found most attractive disappeared once you got naked, there’s still some other difficulty that could arise3 from a cock shaped mold that front loads into your underpants.

  • The shape of the mold presumes you dress down.  I generally dress right or left4. I would look like I have and alien two-headed cock.  Talk about disappointment from the size queen sci-fi geeks when I undress.
  • Say you have an endowment that will tuck comfortably behind the mold, what happens when the real you starts boning?  It’s got to go somewhere. Another double-headed moment waiting to unfold5.
  • Do they expect these things to be all flirt and no action?  A look, but don’t touch affair?  If you’re running around in a group of men, rocking a plus-sized lump, I can promise you that somebody is going to get grabby.  I can’t imagine that mold feels very realistic.  Especially since it’s not going to move, from pressure nor excitement, when handled.
  • What about your balls?  We do they go?
  • Since there is no fly, you obviously have to pull the front down to pee.  Even though I’m sure the mold stays securely in the pouch, I can’t stop picturing it flipping accidentally into a urinal and being pissed on by its drunk owner.
  • Does it show up in those new airport x-ray scanners?  Yet another double-headed moment.

Well, I guess the folks at Andrew Christian have achieved their goal of getting me to post about the “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear.”

I don’t know what is more shocking.  That fact I have basically given them promotion6 anyway, or that somebody will actually buy them?

{ fin }

  1. to Myrtle Beach, SC and Atlanta, Ga []
  2. Who’s? []
  3. pun intended []
  4. mostly left []
  5. pun intended []
  6. But not an endorsement. []

30 Day+ Challenge, part three

Day 3 – Your First Love

This one is easy.  And it’s not likely to be some great revelation.

It would be harder for me to say who was my first crush.  I crush a lot.

It’s also safe to say that I have fallen for some of my crushes.

But serious relationships have not been as frequent.

In fact, I had only been involved one person seriously before The Attorney.

But, since The Attorney, I have come to realize that the previous one was not really very serious at all.

Regular1, but not serious.

Not love.

Serious is being drawn together by what you have in common and then bonding in what you don’t.

Serious is living for those moments together and quietly suffering through those moments you’d rather be left alone.

Serious is finding all those special places yet always remaining interested in discovering more.

So is love.

So are we.

The Attorney and me.

{ fin }

  1. although not long lasting []

30+ Day Challenge, part four

Day 4: Your Parents

My parents died three years apart and both before I graduated from high school.

I feel like I never really got to get to know them.

I think when you’re young, all you can really do is observe your parents.

You know what they look like.

My father was tall and quite handsome1, my mother was petite and wiry.

You know what they like.

My momma loved Sprite and playing softball. My daddy liked pool and Hustler magazine.

But, as a kid, you don’t have the life experience to know and understand them.

I only know them, looking back through the eyes of an adult, from what I can remember of them.

From what I can remember,  my momma and daddy were probably the two most in love people who never should have been.

I remember how Sundays at Granny’s, some of the most joyful times of my youth, often turned less joyful and abruptly ended with Momma blindly and ferociously defending my father to my grandparents2.

I remember the day he searched through the neighborhood to find me and my brother to tell us our momma was dead.  Even through his alcoholism, or maybe because of it, the torture and loss read on his face.

My mother, who’s health was always delicate, I remember her working herself to the bone3 to try to make up for all the jobs my father was never able to hold down.  But, at the same time, I remember my mother was emotionally tough and demanding, and I she may have emasculated him in ways that at least contributed to his alcoholism.

Or maybe she helped him keep his drinking somewhat in check.  Because once she was gone, the addiction became worse and grew to include the drug addiction that killed him three years later.

So, I remember there being a love between them.

Even if they ultimately may have been bad for each other.

{ fin }

  1. While I got his height, my brother got his height and looks.  I look like my grandfather. []
  2. Who never wanted her to marry him. []
  3. at jobs and at home []

30+ Day Challenge, part five

Day 5:  A Song To Match Your Mood.

*Click the music player at the top of the right sidebar to hear the song.  The post will make more sense. If you can’t see the music player, you clicked a direct link to the post to get here.  So, click “West of Mayberry” in the left sidebar to go to homepage.  The music player will show up.

I just got off the phone with The Attorney.

Our usual good night call.1

While we talked, I laid on the bed looking out the window at the sky, as I often do when it comes time to tuck him in.

There’s a little bit of snow falling.

Gentle flakes drifting down, occasionally whipped up by a quick gust of wind.

Everyone once in a while I will try to follow a particular flake.  From where I first spot it in flight until it softly lands in the mosh pit of crystals made by his brothers.

Or watch them collect on the window, redecorating the panes in lace.

All is quiet and relaxed.

So, I am I.

So, that’s why I picked a piece of classical music called “The Humming Chorus.”  It’s one of only a few classical tunes on my iPod.

Something Granny introduced to me years ago.

For some reason I had the idea it was opera music, but I think I am wrong.  There are no fat ladies singing.

But, there is such an ease about it.

A gentleness.

I just can’t decide if the final note is the last snowflake landing or me sinking back in my pillow, knowing The Attorney is doing the same.

{ fin }

  1. He goes to bed much earlier than I do. []