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Front Loaders

Somehow I am on a list to receive promotional e-mails from an underwear company called Andrew Christian.  I don’t know why.

Judging by the request in the e-mails to mention their products, they must have me confused with being one of the A-List gay bloggers like Kennethinthe212 or Joe.My.God or Towleroad.  Folks with a ton of traffic.

I’m also, inexplicably, on the e-mail list for a party promoter in New York City and Fire Island.

Having never been out of Tennessee, except on two very brief trips as a child1, and not sure I have ever seen Andrew Christian underwear, other than the photos in the e-mails, I’m not in a position to endorse parties nor panties on this blog.

Except for AussieBum.  I received a pair as a gift recently, and I love them.  Besides being really comfortable, they pretty much put everything you got up front.  This a totally unsolicited opinion, but if good people of AussieBum are reading, I am open to samples!

Last week I got and e-mail about Andrew Christian’s new  “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear.”

It seems that, unlike the Aussiebums that put what you got on display, the “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear” puts on display something you haven’t got…a fake pecker.

The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief features a soft hidden cup that not only adds inches onto your frontal measurement but also is sculpted with a penis shape to give you an anatomically correct look no matter how cold it is outside.

That’s a quote from the e-mail.

Sculpted with a penis shape?2

I don’t get it.

I get that some guys want to enhance their package and look bigger.  But apparently that is only part of the function of this particular underwear.  What is this about the “penis shape to give you an anatomically correct look?  Doesn’t anybody with a pecker already look anatomically correct?  No matter what size.

They use the word “flirt” as part of the name of the underwear.  So, obviously it is designed to use as an attention grabber.  Now, I can’t fault anybody for flirting with their cock.  For some of us, it’s what we have to do.

Say the flirt does work?  When time comes to get busy, the charming guy still has to charm, the funny guy still has to make you laugh, the rich guys still has to have bank, and the packing guy still has to deliver meat.  What are you going to do?  Flirt your way out of it?

I don’t think the people at the Andrew Christian test kitchens have really thought this through.

Besides the obvious difficulty of explaining to a hook-up why the part of you they found most attractive disappeared once you got naked, there’s still some other difficulty that could arise3 from a cock shaped mold that front loads into your underpants.

  • The shape of the mold presumes you dress down.  I generally dress right or left4. I would look like I have and alien two-headed cock.  Talk about disappointment from the size queen sci-fi geeks when I undress.
  • Say you have an endowment that will tuck comfortably behind the mold, what happens when the real you starts boning?  It’s got to go somewhere. Another double-headed moment waiting to unfold5.
  • Do they expect these things to be all flirt and no action?  A look, but don’t touch affair?  If you’re running around in a group of men, rocking a plus-sized lump, I can promise you that somebody is going to get grabby.  I can’t imagine that mold feels very realistic.  Especially since it’s not going to move, from pressure nor excitement, when handled.
  • What about your balls?  We do they go?
  • Since there is no fly, you obviously have to pull the front down to pee.  Even though I’m sure the mold stays securely in the pouch, I can’t stop picturing it flipping accidentally into a urinal and being pissed on by its drunk owner.
  • Does it show up in those new airport x-ray scanners?  Yet another double-headed moment.

Well, I guess the folks at Andrew Christian have achieved their goal of getting me to post about the “Shock Jock Flirt Underwear.”

I don’t know what is more shocking.  That fact I have basically given them promotion6 anyway, or that somebody will actually buy them?

{ fin }

  1. to Myrtle Beach, SC and Atlanta, Ga []
  2. Who’s? []
  3. pun intended []
  4. mostly left []
  5. pun intended []
  6. But not an endorsement. []
Published inUncategorized


  1. So glad you are posting again!!! Happy New Year and hope all is well in TN….

  2. Mark Mark

    that is one nasty pair of underwear. I’m more than secure going commando with my little dick……. what kind of queen needs something like that anyway????

  3. S. S.

    Maybe they’re hoping no one notices in the heat of passion. Wouldn’t it be useless when it’s owner is hard, anyway?

  4. AussieBum….order them online directly from the AB site in Australia….they usually offer free shipping and it’s far cheaper than buying them in the US!

    Never out of TN? Wow. I’d love to see you venture out one day. How exciting!

    And, yeah, what’s up with the Fire Island spam emails? I get them all of the time.

  5. I find some of the Andrew Christian underwear very sexy. Specially the ones I had mentioned and posted on my blog. I have yet to own a pair of those. Find them a bit steep right now. Now this flirt underwear…eeeh I’ll pass.

  6. Brian in NYC Brian in NYC

    OK, I’ll ask. Who gave you the Aussie Bums as a gift? The Attorney?

  7. It’s odd you blog about this. My cousin – who is straight (not that there’s anything wrong with that) – sent me a link to that AC underwear. …albeit, he did it was some very snarky comments and I was contemplating blogging about.

    But you’ve stolen that thunder. {sigh}

    …and if your blog be true, underwear isn’t really your thing.

  8. I too get those email promotions. I saw this one. While some other products are quite appealing this left me “hanging”.

  9. brian brian

    It seems you put quite a bit of thought into this post. Nice to see how your mind works!

  10. David David

    Woooow. I had to do some catching up. I ususally pop by once or twice a week to see if you posted anything…..sometimes, after a month or so of seeing the same post, I double check and hit Home to the left to make sure I wasn’t just being navigated to the old blog entry in my “favorites”. I’m looking foward to the Challenge! Good luck with it! And I’m glad your dinner was a success.

  11. The key to successful marketing is targeting the right audience. Clearly, they have failed if they are sending you invitations to Fire Island and purchasing cock enhancing briefs. Man, they really missed the mark. Now, if you got a sample of new easy access Carhartt painters pants that give the wearer the feeling of going commando while supporting all the moving parts, I bet your wallet would be open faster than a slutty bottom at a Cherry Grove’s happy hour.

  12. StevieB StevieB

    “alien two-headed cock” Love it!

  13. Hilarious post! Love fancy undies, you’ve sold me on AussieBum, time to get my first pair.

  14. Never underestimate the power of insecurity. I bet it becomes a big seller. *sadly*

  15. jdw jdw

    I am glad you are posting everyday. I loved the dog story more than anything you have written . I will say this I went through a lot of your old Large Tony blogs and there is a shot of you in just plain boxers. Im sure you can skip the front loaders. Everyone is not so lucky and Andrew Christian is overpriced.

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