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Moment of Trust

When does Trust begin?

In relationships, that is.

I was talking to friend about it a few days ago.

Well, the conversation was about something else, but Trust was at the core.

He said that he couldn’t go into a relationship  without trust.

My feeling is that  you could go into it without, but you need the trust to stay.

Most of the time, at first you don’t know enough about someone to have anything you can hang your Trust on.

You can probably trust that he isn’t going to rob you or store pieces of you in the basement freezer.  But, even then, can you really be 100% sure?

Maybe, in a sense, my buddy and I are both right.

Going into a relationship is a bit of a faith-based endeavor. There is chemistry, but that is pretty much where the science ends.

At least for a while.

Whatever trust there is in the beginning, it’s blind.

As time goes on, you learn.  Blind trust gives over to learned trust.

You learn that maybe he really does walk on water.  Or you learn that he can’t turn that water to wine.1

So, you learn to trust him, or to not.

If you don’t trust, then it’s easy to know when to cut bait and run.

But if you do, how do you know you trust enough to stay?

I don’t think you can.

Because no matter how much you trust, to continue on will still require some level of faith.

Especially if you expect the relationship to be healthy.

So, you stay until there’s a reason to leave.

Actually, I take that back. A relationship is too important to give up that easy.

You stay until there’s no reason to stay.

That’s a very different thing.


{ fin }

  1. No matter how much you tell everyone he  can. []
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  1. Andres Andres

    Wow! Amazing reading! Its true… I think I’m too Jaded to trust… but those last couple of lines made a lot of sense… I think everything I do, I go into it with a too cautious attitude that I don’t ever really enjoy myself! I think I need to learn to have faith, so that I can learn to trust… the only Guy I’ve ever dated, cheated on me before we hit our first month, but I can’t just put blame on him, or let that experience ruin my outlook on life… Thanx… you made my day!

  2. Trust is something you continue to build upon.

  3. Trust should be there from the start. You do build on it as it goes along, or it gets torn down.

    I think trust only needs to be earned if someone has done something to betray it in the first place. Other than that, it should be given from the start.

  4. Pac Pac

    I like this. It’s a perspective I never considered before. I guess I’ve relied on gut instinct at first. Then faith, and only after getting to know someone and building up a history, trust. This also explains why trust is so valuable and fragile. It can’t be instantly bought or given, only built over time as a joint effort. And one careless act can bring it all down. At that point you can only abandon or start rebuilding.


  5. Daryl Daryl

    Great post as usual. The last lines say it all. Thanks for sharing.

  6. I think trust is built – primarily by making and then keeping promises.

  7. Trust is so easy to break and incredibly difficult to rebuild. It is the foundation of all relationships: business, friendship, love. When we trust we make ourselves vulnerable, and yet only we can guard our hearts. It is, like you say, an act of faith to extend trust until is broken.

    Those whose trust has been broken may choose never to trust again, and they are the loneliest ones. I prefer minor heartbreak to the emptiness of distrust. What some may see as foolishness I see as hope, for it does have its reward.

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful post today. Really has me pondering.

  8. brian brian

    Trust covers so much that I hesitate to extend it.
    Secrets,my past,his? A lot of baggage.
    Like some have said,trust is a work in progress.

  9. As usual Tony you’ve taken our conversation and spoken about it so eloquently. I agree with what you’ve said but also one of the comments above.
    It’s almost like “innocent until proven guilty” I’ll give you my trust until you prove you aren’t worthy.

  10. irisgirl irisgirl

    This has been a tough issue for me, and your analysis very nicely explains what’s usually in my head (and heart). Especially the point about staying until there’s no reason to stay—–I will forever regret that a certain someone did not have that much faith in me and our relationship. 🙁

  11. Tonkamanor Tonkamanor

    ugh. You are killing me with this post. I know that I need to rebuild trust in my relationship, but it is difficult. He says that he is behaving, but that he can’t promise that he will be good. He just doesn’t know. What is someone to do when starting their 17th year in a relationship? I thought I forgave because I didn’t want to just throw away 16 years.

    And why , when I confide in friends, do they think that I am the one who wondered? What does that say about me? Seriously, I have so many opportunities that I did not follow thru on. Tease? No, I have alwasy been open with people about where my heart is…..

    I am having a lot of problems with this, but apparently there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I feel that I should stray,but that is not me. which is then made into a problem of self-esteem. Which my friends tell me is a problem that i do not have…well at least not until I found out about the cheating.

    I am having a hard time trusting, especially now that he is so lovey-dovey, touchy feely with me. What? Is he making up for his indiscretions? Trying to cover up what is really happening? or really trying to keep this going?

    I cannot believe that I am spilling my guts about this….

    Tony, like I said you are killing me with this post.

  12. David David

    I’ve always had a very good “friend meter” and a very good “girlfriend/boyfriend meter” (probably why I’m still friends with most of them). Hugh said making and keeping promises. I think that’s very true. Along with gestures. Kindness. Warmth. They all add up to trust. And reinforce it.

  13. I trust completely. And I pray that that trust is not abused.
    Your Friend, m.

  14. mikey mikey

    this really hit home … it took over 25 years to discover that there was simply no reason to maintain a relationship with my father.

    But I’m glad that I waited until I knew there was, indeed, no reason “to stay”, as it were.

    Thanks, Tony.

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