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I’m fascinated by how something as solitary as writing becomes so communal once it is published.
The individual experience somehow becomes a shared one with those who read it.
Sometimes to the point where the reader takes on the experience from their own perspective.
This is especially true of blogs, I think. Because of being a social platform by nature.
I was struck by this whole concept due to some comments on my last post.
The one about the long weekend with The Attorney.
It’s interesting to see where the differences are in what people actually read and what they may read into it.
Probably what struck me most was the perception that I am putting my life and happiness on hold by being a caregiver for Granny.
I suppose on some level my life is on hold. There are things that I may not be able to fully explore for a few more years, but to say my happiness is on hold…couldn’t be more wrong.
I think anybody who has read this blog, or the old one, for any reasonably substantial amount of time knows that I am, all in all, a pretty happy guy.
It’s just part of how I like to live life. Even if the life may be somewhat on hold.
I believe we control our own happiness.
Sure, there are things and people and situations that can contribute to our happiness, just as those very same things contain elements that could bring us down.
It’s just a matter of which we want to embrace.
Me? I like to hang my hat on the good stuff.
That’s not to say I ignore the bad stuff. That would be reckless and irresponsible. I just don’t let it dominate me.
Besides, who hasn’t had to put some aspect of their life on hold for some reason at some point in time? Whether it’s short term, long term, or indefinite.
If you haven’t, then you’ve never stood for anything in life.
Someone commented that it was time for me to make a choice between living my life and taking care of Granny.
There isn’t a choice to be made. Taking care of Granny for as long as I am able is not a choice.
It’s simply what I do.
You don’t choose.
You do.
And so it goes with The Attorney.
We do. We do what works.
It’s unconventional and imperfect.
But it works.
For us.
And I’m pretty sure that ultimately, the only ones it has to work for is us.
If you think about it, every relationship is unconventional. Because every relationship is unique.
Each one has it’s own set of quirks, compromises, rituals, and codes.
What’s the old saying?
Relationships are like snowflakes. Everybody has one. And they make an ass of you and me.
Something like that.
Just because a duck isn’t walking the way you think a duck should, doesn’t mean it’s not a duck.1 It could mean you just haven’t paid attention to all the kinds of ducks there are.
Or it could just have a bum leg.
And that doesn’t mean he’s not a happy duck.
I did have one commenter ask about how The Attorney and I got together. I told the stories about the the two times we first met, in detail on the old blog, around the time it occurred. But I can give a recap here.
I say “the two times we first met,” because a long time went by in between. We sort of had two beginnings.
What gives me a sort of “meant to be” feeling about us is that both times we met in places that neither of us frequented much.
The first first time we met was in at a gay bar on Good Friday. Neither of us is the bar type, so it was a nice coincidence. He thought I was bi-sexual and thought he’d get a foot in the door if I thought he was. I guess it worked because we went to his house, where we hot-tubbed and he made us a 2AM breakfast before I headed back to the mountains.
That was it.
Nothing more than some kissing2 and a phone number.
He gave me his. I did not give him mine.
So, the ball was left in my court.
Even though I felt a connection, I also felt like I was not in his league. So, I never called. I dropped the ball.
Fast forward about 18 months to the second first time we met.
This time it was at Walgreen’s.
A particular Walgreen’s that neither of us had been in before. It was almost like Fate was forcing us together.
The attraction was still there, if not even stronger. We reconnected and he pressed me to agree to go out with him in the near future and to give him my number.
I did both.
Not long after that, we went on our first official date.
To the movies.
And so it began.
{ fin }
Tony you have one of my favorite blogs, and one of the reasons is because you sound more than just happy, you sound content. This is almost an envious state to live in, one that a lot of people don’t understand. For some reason people let the world around them define happiness for them, they hunt for the “correct” job, car or partner and relationship.
Yourself, Granny and The Attorney all sound content. Your relationships work for you, nothing else needed. Can’t get better than that.
I know that abandoning the care of your granny would just tear you up inside and I can’t for a minute picture you doing it Tony! I can’t believe anyone suggested you do that for any reason at all. You couldn’t live with yourself if that happened. It would ruin your life. People can be very insensitive. And pretty downright stupid as well. You just keep doing what makes you happy Tony and being a good and loving son and person. That’s the Tony we all love and care about. Screw the naysayers, that’s what I say.
Aretha Franklin once said, “I’m a big woman, I need big hair.”
Tony, you’re a big* man who needs a big life.
And that’s exactly what you have … a life that has balanced hard work; a big** exhibitionist streak; a years-long and ever-evolving body of writing; being a loving grandson, companion, and (I believe) the sole and serious caregiver to the elderly Granny; and a guy who has taken some risks and has found a man whom you love and who loves you back.
The “tough call” you have made is the best call – to not to try to live by others’ rules.
* And no, I’m not referring to the monster in your pants.
** OK, now I’m referring to the monster in your pants.
Clarification.
Writing can be so imprecise.
It takes simply reading your posts to know you are living a “charmed” life.
Keep on keeping on!
Once again, you’ve shown me why I dig being your friend. “You choose your happiness.” Yes sir. I love your stories, your heart. Happy Days.
I pretty much agree with everything except the “choosing” part. I think you do choose the directions you take. You could choose not to take care of granny and choose to put her under tencare of others– but you didn’t. You chose a different path.
It’s the choices that end up defining us.
I have enjoyed your blog very much and admire you on so many different levels. I haven’t commented on your blog often because I don’t feel that I have the right to. I agree with you that people choose to be happy–yes, it is an active choice. What I don’t understand is how people feel that they have the right to comment on the choices that you are making. If a reader doesn’t like some of the your choices then they should move on, decide not to read, or just ignore the decisions. I don’t know why people feel that they are entitled to criticize your decisions simply because you are sharing your life stories on your blog.
Tony, this is from Mike’s Mike (he made sure that I didn’t miss your latest posts).
One of my favorite parts about Mike is the little boy inside (and the big brut on the outside when necessary). The little boy side devoured the Harry Potter books and together we have thoroughly the movies.
I was very much taken and enlightened by the remark Professor Dumbledore makes in the second book/movie, that I still remember the line after I first heard it 7 or 8 years ago:
“It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
Your choices tell such a beautiful story — I love reading your blog.
Cheers,
The other Mike
Relationships are like snowflakes. Everybody has one. And they make an ass of you and me. Something like that.
You goon.
Tony
Have read your blog for years old and new
first time writing to you now because I can’t belive anyone would say anything about Granny. I am a long time care giver and taken care of many of my ederly relatives. When you need to do it you just do it because it is right. And like most the hell with those that do not understand why!
I also think you have a great life it “works” for you and the Attorney.
I live in a “closet” so to speak so your blog is what makes my day somedays.
THANKS
My boyfiend turned me on to you. I really like the way you think. Iam looking forward to reading more about you.you remind me alot of my first boyfriend in la. he was a cuban nice face hot temper and a big ole dick with big bull balls yo match you have a hot look, like a real man i can feel precum buildind up thanks
I may be wrong, but I have to wonder where some or most of the people suggesting that you need to, in effect, put Granny in a home and run off with the Attorney to live a life focused on yourselves alone are from. Biased though I may be, my gut feeling says they aren’t southerners.
As you know, it’s part of our heritage to take responsibility seriously; many of us still use words like honor and duty and mean them. If it reaches the point where someone can’t be cared for at home, we may still take her to the nursing home, but we live nearby so we can visit every day and take her out to visit others when she’s capable.
You can say “Taking care of Granny for as long as I am able is not a choice,” but it is a choice, and you know, and I know, that you made the right one. And you know that it’s the right choice because you’re happy with it and you’re not losing sleep over your choice at night.
“And I’m pretty sure that ultimately, the only ones it has to work for is us”. Truer
words were never spoken.I really think you hit the nail on the head. We do not have to give up loving one person, just to make room for and love another one. Love is big and there is plenty to go around. More people should know that like you do.
Reality is different for everybody. How you choose to live yours and how I choose to live mine is no one’s business.
It’s funny how everyone seem to want to give you advice on how to live yours.
From what I hear you are happy as a pig in shit, and that is pretty happy. Don’t let people tell you how to run your life.
Take care,
Chris
It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that your devotion to Granny is one of the big reasons The Attorney loves you. It is certainly true for your readers. Thank you for honoring my request, sweetie.
This is probably one of the nicest posts of yours I have read… that and the one where Granny let you know that she knew…..
Happy to be part of this family Tony….
Joe
Tony, you have one of the few blogs out there I still read…. I like your style. I cannot believe someone said it was time for you to make a choice…. What rock did he crawl from under??. My partner has his mother to look after, I have a son to see and help meet his needs. We know certain parts of our lives are on hold, but it doesn’t affect who we are. We will wait for things to come…. Guess that’s why I like you….. we think the same way. Take care of granny, and the attorney, and enjoy the life you have….. you are a very lucky man…..
hey Tony—It’s hard for me to understand how someone could read your blog and not recognize that your relationship with Granny is an essential part of who you are. And that it’s much more than just taking care of her (as important as that is).
Granny is part of the vibrant tapestry of your life, interwoven with the Attorney, by strong threads of love and joy and humor and the artistry of your writing.
We should all be so blessed!
I looked after my mother during the last few years of her life. It was the right thing for me to do. I never thought to question you looking after Granny, but I know that for some people it’s not a viable option. My brothers wouldn’t have been able to cope with looking after our mother, but for me it was right, and the right thing was done.
I am a regular reader and while I enjoyed your former site design, you have the right to coose how your blog is presented, I will continue to read and learn. I applode your continued care of your “granny” and of you and the attorney. Thank you.